It is apparent that our funny affairs ministry is not doing well. It is not alone. If you ask the opposition, no ministry is doing well, and it’s all their fault. In the last month, the military have banned and unbanned two foreign bodies operating within Naija’s fractious northeast. Both organizations have diplomatic or quasi-diplomatic status with known representatives.
First, the military banned Unicef, a global agency whose job is to tend and fend for the welfare of children especially in conflict situations. Opposition leaders claim that the northeast is a conflict zone. Government says Boko Haram is technically defeated. According to the military, Unicef has been using its global diplomatic cover for espionage.
It would have been acceptable if these guys were spying for America, but no, they were spying for the worst enemies of all – Boko Haram. Although Boko Haram is technically defeated, it is physically strong – at least strong enough to ambush soldiers and waste civilian lives on a daily basis. Yes, you read right, daily basis – but do not say I told you so, or you might be accused of espionage!
Just as some people were pondering over this one, the military unbanned the ban and placed it squarely on another global group, Amnesty International. Amnesty makes it a cardinal job to unearth things that governments, especially military agencies want buried. If a soldier on the street slapped you or soldiers killed your relative at a protest march, Amnesty would make it an amebo point in their report.
Globally, accusations of espionage carry grievous repercussions from death to heavy jail terms. Recently, a British ‘academic’ accused of espionage in Dubai was sentenced to life after a one-day investigation and a fifteen-minute trial. It took the heckling of Auntie Tessy to secure his release and return to his country and family. If he had been a Naija – sorry, we don’t spy – no need. If we get information, what are we going to do with it when the things we need are far from us?
If your C-in-C is a General, you live under the illusion that you are still in charge. The military issued a statement banning Unicef but while we were still chewing it, they retracted it. Then they placed it on Amnesty. The later are notorious for being enemies of African dictators and are not particularly like by Naija’s governments. This is the first time they’ll be banned in recent years in Naija.
Ajuwaya, General Brutal has declared these little ‘infractions’ as nothing to worry about. He was addressing reporters and their editors at a recent dinner where he said that these things – espionage are not really important. He should know better as defence chief. Thus far, no evidence has been marshaled against the two organizations. In military parlance, none is required.
Usually, when organizations like Unicef are accused of espionage, they are summoned to the ministry of funny affairs. That hasn’t happened thus far. In this election season, ministries are on election-induced somnambulism. Geoffrey Onyeama, our is yet to summon Amnesty for caution. The opposition Irrational Assembly, whose funny affairs committee should be privy to these matters, is on it’s usually un-deserved recess.
Personally, I am no fan of Unicef. With a 3.2 percent population growth, who cares about children, especially orphans. If parents have been eliminated by a technically defeated insurgency, why should the children survive? Seriously! These are the ‘born troway’ children of President Jones and Madam Pese, according to VP Osinbajo. Our vice-president says GoodJoe is responsible for population explosion. His minister of state for agriculture, Heineken (no relation of the Dutch alcohol) Lokpobiri says the blame for overpopulation should go to farmers. Lokpobiri, apparently a statistician says farmers were in the habit of marrying more wives and spiking the population meters. Europe and Japan would need these guys as their reproduction levels have dipped, but they’ll rather have the doctors, engineers and other eggheads we need at home.
Our military deserve our respect, even when they train their guns at Shia protesters and their jackboots at bloody civilians. The best among them daily lay down their lives for the pyrrhic peace that we enjoy.
Now, if Unicef spies for boko haram that slaughters everything that runs against its ideology, and we desire to control our population, it makes sense that they should be banned. If Amnesty records the atrocities committed against civilians, there is absolutely no reason to keep them around here. Because, truth be told, atrocities have only increased. Our soldiers hate taking orders from bloody civilians. Our policemen terrorize us with their uniforms. We would be respected more in the comity of nations if the things that these groups do in the secret remains like what happens in Vegas.
As Sai Baba would say, we can’t afford to expose our depopulation strategies to the whole world in the age of cameras and voice recorders. So, who is in charge of foreign policy? Well, it depends on whom you ask. Some might argue that the ministry of funny affairs needs to be up and doing, except that these things are not necessary. As for my house, and me it’s safe to stand by our troops.